A Quill, A Book, and A Hope

Of taking a compliment and leaving.

2009-11-29T20:30:39Z

It has happened yet again, dear reader. I visited the Mages' Guild again and I have forgotten about this journal again.

I would not say that I have been lax at gaining more magical skills, as that is most certainly not the case - the Academy has kept me quite busy enough, thank you very much. In fact, enough that I feel like I rarely have had time to go out and enjoy the Kingdom, and that is much a regret in my mind as the winter comes and the world hibernates once again. My waistline has not suffered either, much to my additional chagrin.

But this is meant to be a note about Guild training, and particularly in this case Dimensional training. Due to a strange quirk in the Guild laws for Dimensional magics, I basically had until the end of this year to take the Current Examination in Dimensional Magics or forfeit a significant penalty if I wanted to take up the matter later. Needs be, I had put off said examination for far too long - but other matters keep intruding, and those matters were either far more interesting or far more necessary than prostrating myself before the Guild once again. (And don't remind me about the Current Examinations in Ritual Magics - I can't force myself to study how to conduct magical warfare against 2 fronts simultaneously again. Although the Academy is asking us for increasingly complicated matters that don't look too dissimilar - I beg your forgiveness for closing my mouth on further discussion on that topic for the moment.) So I journeyed to the local Guildhall for a Dimensional exam today, expecting that if I were to fail the examination, I would have sufficient time to recover my wits to take another shot before the end of the year.

As always, I'm forbidden by Guild Law to specifically talk about the tests itself. But, perhaps unlike last time I spoke on these matters, I can at least discuss in general the problem with testing Dimensional magic. And that problem involves the question of who a Dimensional magic is supposed to be. Everyone admits that it's a relatively new but quite precious field - but who is a Dimension mage? Is he a lone practitioner, a true adventurer-Journeyman who plies his services to the small villages scattered around the countryside in return for lodging and pittances, carrying little bit a couple of crystals in his pack? Is he a lattice-runner, like I am, trying to continuously make sure that the crystals are tuned and the spells are just so? Or is he a great Mage-General, commanding kingdoms and armies upon the field of battle, fending off waves of attack with a flick of his wrist?

The answer, in the case of a Ritual Mage, is most certainly the last (much to my annoyance previous). The answer, in the case of Dimensional Magics... seems to be all of the above. And that is quite a concern, as each level of practitioner is going to see a very different set of circumstances and use cases for Dimensional magics. For example: a true wandering adventurer will never see a lattice (or, at best, perhaps a single lattice of 5 to 10 crystals) his entire career. And there's all sorts of improvisational cases that have to be adopted in that sort of unstructured scenario. Conversely, a Mage-General will not care about an individual crystal at all, but instead will focus on groups of lattices in sites and encampments working in concert over great distances - reinforcing troops where necessary, failing gracefully when weakness is exposed. So, I suppose, a true test of Dimensional Magics must by needs examine every possible scenario a mage might find, including all the bizarre scenarios that may make perfect sense at one level but complete nonsense that would never be tried anywhere else. And all those scenarios were getting thrown at me at the same time.

So, yet again did I end up in a whimpering ball on the floor of the Testing Hall, my cloak balled up in my hands, shaking, drenched in sweat. Suffice it to say, it did not go very well at all, and I was fully expecting to return in a fortnight's time, likely with great trepidation. But instead I was met with this:

Iili, you have shown... barely tolerable competence in the field of Dimensional Magic. The Mages' Guild congratulates you and reconfirms your Current status as a practitioner of Dimensional magics.

It's not particularly easy to be happy about such a statement, and difficult to not feel defeated. A younger version of myself would (and in fact did) rail against such a pronouncement being made, after all the effort, blood, sweat, and tears that I invest in my occupation on a daily basis. But that time has passed for me, I believe, as my awareness of just how much there is left to learn has perhaps sharpened my humility. I'm tired of expecting to hear unadulterated compliments and being disappointed when none care.

I took the small accolade, and left for home. Another day's work lies ahead, and no one will care about the achievement anyway.

Of loud bells, still ringing in my head.

2009-10-23T23:25:36Z

As I sneeze away the pile of dust that has gathered around this diary, let me excuse myself by noting that I have been very very busy.

For most of a year.

But I shant talk about the year now, when I can talk about the day. I woke up this morning to a dark orange glow. I actually set up a Warning Crystal next to the bed, of course, to inform me (gently) just how bad things are at the Academy. Orange, in short, is "there is trouble but it's not worth getting out of bed any earlier than usual to take care of it." So I went back to sleep. Suffice it to say, I normally awaken to a nice gentle blue. But that was not today. Oh no. But in order to explain, dear reader, perhaps it is best that I speak about crystals, lattices, and halls - this might allow for a small bit of enlightenment toward the excruciating suffering I have gone through lately, and quite especially, today.

A small treatise on crystals and their construction
Crystals are one center of our modern magical existence. They are quite handy for their ability to store specific spells and, in particular, amplify them above their normal power levels. As a result, crystals are well sought-after by adventurers at large, as well as various and sundry mining companies across the Manylands. An exquisite crystal can in fact fetch many thousands of coins pretty much anywhere in the realms. And most modern mages, doing work for Their Superiors, command anywhere from 5 to 10,000 crystals at a time. (I am currently sitting behind perhaps 70.)

Crystals work best when they are able to interact with other crystals holding other spells. Thus, the natural arrangement of crystals is a sort of intricate placing structure, generally referred to as a lattice. Lattices are fragile, but can hold and amplify many crystals at a time, allowing them to work more efficiently and easily. Lattices are generally held together by a few minor binding spells, which among other things melds crystals' spells into an Aetheric construction called a resonance. In general, a resonance is quite powerful, able to (in its unrefined form) potentially amplify spells across the entire Manylands.

The problem is, of course, that a resonance is itself a fragile construction on top of a lattice, which is itself another fragile construction. So there are additional binding spells of some power that really are necessary to hold the whole thing together. And it is far easier for those spells to be cast upon one large area rather than several small ones.

Thus we have the Lattice Halls - great collections of lattices bound together in a similar location of not-innumerable power. And these are the habitats - the groves, if you will - of the meticulous model of a modern mouse mage. The problem is, everything is still potentially prone to break - crystals, lattices, even Lattice Halls on rare occasions (those are not pretty sights). And that is why people like I remain gainfully employed through the Realms.

The Problem

About 2 fortnights ago, in the midst of a wonderful tryst (which shall probably remain untold...), I received a notice that one of the lattices had completely detuned. The crystals were together, the lattice was intact, the resonance had been completely blown away and the entire thing was dead. But I had only received that message after one of the Aetherics of the Academy High Council had rebuilt it - which was fine, that is what they do, much as I build them.

The problem lay in what had been dead for the morning when the problem had occurred. Namely - namely, the Great Security Spell of No Security. And anything that had been attached to it. Which basically had halted all business of the Merchants' Guild, my employers. Except it was a holiday, and no one was actually conducting business anyway.

This fact did not mollify my superiors, who were quite annoyed that I had let such a situation occur. (Primarily because they told me to set the lattices in exactly that fashion.) So, they told me, "Iili, spread the spells across the lattices. Now. We don't want a single detune to crush the entire Guild." So I drew up some plans, and found that I had to relocate 12 crystals to fix things to their specifications. They then spent a week debating on whether I was allowed to move any of those 12 crystals. (The initial answer was, of course, no.) Eventually they said yes.

I had finished the primary work of taking apart the lattices, moving the crystals, and retuning the entire lot... yesterday, after 2 weeks of sitting in the Lattice Hall, furiously working to move crystals. And... this morning, when I finally checked, one of the lattices - a different one, this time - had, indeed, detuned. And I was pleased, because the amount of trouble this had caused - due to my work - was relatively small. Until.

Until.

The Unraveling

One of the crystals involved was one of my specialty Dimensional spells. I've gotten fairly good at Dimensional these days, and people have been quite pleased. But when I tried to retune the Dimension crystal - pull the line back to the main spell... I heard a little crack coming from the lattice holding the main spell. My ear perked and I cringed a little as I rushed over there. And, indeed, there was a small crack in one of the crystals holding that spell. So, I did what any good mage would do, and repaired the crystal.

CLOOOOOOOOONG.

When a lattice is resonating correctly, it sounds like the bells of the heavens. When a lattice is not resonating correctly, it sounds like the bells are being dropped down several flights of stairs. Even more so if they're Dimensional crystals.

And this time, it was particularly fun, because it wasn't just a simple CLOOOOOONG, oh no. It was tinkle, tinkle, tinkle, CLOOOOOOONG, tinkle, tinkle, tinkle, CLOOOOOOONG. And I was standing right next to it, mouth agape, even wondering what to think of this particular spectacle, when:

"Iili, we just lost access to the Merchant Annals."

Rush, and move that crystal in this lattice one lattice over, retune, rebless. Then another. Then, another. But not the Dimensionals - oh no, if I did that, about 6 dozen spells would explode in my face. I think not.

So I sat there, tinkle, tinkle, tinkle, CLOOOOONG. And I start frantially searching for exactly what went wrong in the first place. Did I somehow disturb something? Were the dimensional spells getting out of control? Was the resonance being interfered with, somehow? I went about it for hours on end, nay, most of the day, sending couriers to my friends in the Merchants' Guild Mages, as well as those of the High Council. Who, were, of course, too busy to deal with the loud CLOOOOONGing in their Lattice Hall.

As the sun began to set, I collapsed in one corner of the hall, shaking my head. There was no way that it was going to be fixed today, and damned if I was going to stay listening to the CLOOOONG all night.

Then, one of the High Mages came to visit. And suddenly, the CLOOONG stopped. And I could see, as I walked over to the lattices, that both the detuned lattice and the CLOOOONGing one were perfectly fine.

"Oh, Iili, I got your message. There were two Aetheric ghosts causing problems. I quashed them for you."

"Two ghosts? Isn't it rare enough that we see one?"

"Well, yeah, I thought so too, but there were two, all right. Check that things are fine now, please."

They were fine, if a little messy from my frantic crystal moves in the morning. We both shook our heads, wondering how such a terrible circumstance could occur, and both left the hall. And I went straight home.

I can't wait to explain this to the Guild.

Other News

One of the Great Lords of the Manylands decided to visit the Academy's Great Hall today to speak about "how we could prevent a recurrence of the Dragon Wars by conserving mana for emergencies." I missed the pageantry altogether. What a shame.

Oh well, the tales I hear make me quite certain he is a nincompoop.

Of delusion and taking chances.

2009-03-24T02:29:03Z

I suppose I should update from the frustration last week. Things are better now, thankfully.

The new fellow impressed Delvar. No one impresses Delvar. Last time I checked, in fact, no one gets past the stoat unscathed. The stoat basically tore me apart in my interview and handed my entrails back to me. Except this fellow, Aren the fox. So it looks like he's our shot at extending the Council, assuming he can learn to stave off the impulse to seal off large portions of the Academy grounds. And I should learn to not be hasty in my judgments of people.

It has gotten increasingly clear that the events of January have created a great trouble in my mind. It does not make me particularly happy to be in an environment when I'm blamed for a problem even after it was proven that I really honestly had little to nothing to do with it. This does not bode well for me, and it started eating away at those small wells of confidence I had built inside of myself.

So I went and spoke with my boss, telling him how I felt about the Grand Security Spell of Potentially Massive Insecurity, and frankly how nervous I was that basically if anything went wrong in any particular direction that I was going to take the blame for it, and be tossed out for daring to keep my wards as strong as I can make them in this chaotic environment. "You do realize that the Council had to rebuild all of its Ritual spells about 5 years ago, right?" No, actually, that hadn't quite gotten mentioned in the several months I've been here. There was the mention that there hadn't been problems in 4 years; I had assumed the problem before that had been a previous archival leakage that I had heard of previous... "Oh, no, actually, there was a chain reaction that blew up every Ritual spell we had. People were playing a bit fast with how things were getting set up, didn't complete their symbols properly, added a few things they shouldn't have, didn't close the wards. And they all blew up. ...you might also notice that the people involved in this did not get removed from their places on the Council."

That alone threw everything in perspective. Through all that has passed before, Council membership has been permanent, and all the reasons for the caution half of the rampant caution/incredible speed dichotomy quickly become clear as the (frigid! blustery! why do I need full dress regalia this late in the winter?) early spring skies. There's a desperate need to do things well, and do things fast, but slipups are forgivable. That revelation alone made me feel significantly better, going into my walkabout into the wilds later this week.

Oh, and I finally completed the first run of the Dimensional reweave that I've been practicing performing for more than a year now. I wait an entire year, begging for a chance from the Council for something that took all of two hours to perform, with seemingly no trouble at all in the invocation. The window of time opened for the briefest of moments, and I had to step through and beyond. Hopefully the weave will hold this time; last time I took a shot at it the crystals started deharmonizing in the middle of it, and I cannot describe to you the incredible din that occurred as a result... the ringing in my head took a week to cure.

Just keep saying, it's all in your mind...

2009-03-18T22:37:48Z

The rest of the council thought today's fellow for the protection job was great. What exactly makes you concerned, Iili?

Even after we repeatedly told him that we are an open Academy and that will never change, he wanted to force the standard Ritual assumptions of a closed environment down the Academy's throat. And it was quite obvious that the fellow hadn't protected an individual crystal in his life and it had barely occurred to him to do so. (Not that I had either in his place...)

But everyone else loved him. And it wasn't because they knew you didn't.

I'm taking a walkabout into the wilds next week to get lost and get over the Academy and the Council. It can't happen fast enough.

People are courting disaster, I believe. It's time to start planning an escape route from the Council, even if such a plan is never used. Of course, it is entirely possible that I'm completely, utterly wrong here and utterly, completely out of my mind. But would anyone believe me either way at this point?

Of bonds, failing and replenishing.

2009-03-18T01:27:33Z

The fabric of the Academy is starting to tear. I suppose it was rather inevitable after everything that's happened.

I have been weaving and unweaving spells at a massive pace over the last several fortnights; I've quite taken to calling this the Long Winter, as it has been harsh and it has been cold, both inside and outside. No one knows what's going to happen at this point, and there are few signs of hope at this point, no light at the end of the tunnel, nothing but more madness. And the cold is still present, although it has lessened some in the past few days. Still, I shiver in my chair writing this.

It turns out that the Academy lost significant resources in the attack on the Grove. The ramifications are only hitting the Academy in whole this week. They were mostly trying to account for what they had, but they've lost probably a fifth of the wealth that they amassed to the attack. They were far from alone, but that's a fifth of the resources no longer available until some miracle occurs, or the supposed Crusade ever shows up to get the resources back. (Most have written that off, though, and with good reason. We really are on our own.) Everyone must tithe for the sake of the Academy as a whole, and those funds have come at the cost of people in many places it seems - great libraries seeing their caretakers disappear, for one. And the (few) ranks of the High Mages are seeing their ranks dwindle, quite shortly. The Merchant's Guild (thankfully) has avoided that kind of fate, but at this point we consider it inevitable. As Fate would have it, the axe is unlikely to fall this year. But next year, things could start happening that the entire Council could regret. It will remain a phantom over our heads, waiting to strike, for at least the rest of this accursed year.

Yet, we are adding a few more members, as quickly (and as quietly) as we can, before we are told "no more". One fellow (who I have not had the pleasure to meet) is being brought into the Council for overall organization (I have mixed feelings about this; we desperately need organization but I don't personally need another person on the Council yelling at me about unrealistic timelines after last time), another for communication magics (and this the Merchant Guild desperately needs), and, most applicable to my position, someone with experience in protection magics to take over and analyze the Grand Security Spell of Endless Debate, as well as to oversee the general state of affairs Ritual. At this point, I don't care if such a person might supercede me in experience or heft, as long as I'm not the only voice in the Council screaming about making sure our spells aren't flying off into the Aether. I've been in over my head here, and I quite readily have acknowledged this.

I must admit that the first interview, held this morning, for that position went much like my own little gantlet. If anything, Delvar was even more exacting and particular than he ever was with me - but then again, when they hired me they needed a Ritual Generalist (much to my surprise). Now we need a specialist with some ability to improvise generally, so I suppose it makes some sense that we need more particular qualifications. It is unclear, however, whether there is a soul out there (save, perhaps, Delvar himself) who could in fact fit the qualifications. The fellow this morning, however, wasn't that far off in my mind. I would regale you more fully with the discussions therein, but given the recent news my heart isn't terribly into recanting it.

(Although Delvar asked about responses to anchor unraveling on the Grand Security Spell. The fellow this morning suggested the standard response of breaking the troublesome anchor in question and reweaving it, which as far as I am concerned is a perfectly reasonable answer. Oh no, said Delvar. He managed to reseat the anchor by having the other anchors convince it that it was fine. I realize the unstudied may not grasp the audacity of this - it is somewhat akin to navigating the inside of a ship solely by having it tell you where you are. Delvar seemed somewhat offended that the fellow didn't know this incredibly obvious method of enchantment that none of us had ever heard of before.)

The Grand Convocation of Ritual Mages this year will be in the City of the Heavens in a few months. I suspect it will be a somber occasion, both personally and professionally. I suspect I'm not particularly going to enjoy returning to the City so soon after leaving. I also suspect it may be the last Convocation I will be allowed to attend for some time, so I intend to make the best of it.

Of disillusionment and ice.

2009-02-23T23:31:55Z

The winter continues. I am getting increasingly concerned, myself, that events are spiraling out of control. A certain madness has begun to grip the inhabitants of Birya; it's only just showing on the edges right now, but it can be seen if you look hard enough. The public viaducts are getting clogged with snow and ice and mush and their passability is questionable at any given time of the day. No one feels particularly secure anymore. Everyone waits for the next shoe to drop.

In the South, there was a grand accalamation: We will pay the Dragons tribute! This should quell their anger forthwith! Indeed, we shall even had these funds to the mages who upset the dragons in the first place, because there's absolutely no reason we should question their judgment for leading us into this mess in the first place! And who better should receive the largess of the several Kingdoms than the dragons and the incompetents? Certainly the people have no need of such things! Not a call to fortify our defenses (if we could...), not a call to rebuild the destroyed buildings, not a call to hope or inspiration. Only fear, day by day by day.

The winter lifted for one day a few weeks back. Since then, it has been little but sheets of ice and howling winds. I swore that I would have no problem with the snow and the cold here, but it has begun to dwell on me as much as anyone else around here. This morning I slipped and fell on the way to the Grand Court of Northern Birya, where I had been summonsed as a possible trial juror. (Thankfully, I spent the entire day waiting and nursing my leg wound, but nothing of any import occurred.)

At the Academy, people are getting quite edgy. A proclamation went out to the community saying, roughly, "We know tha tthe War has had some impact on our affairs. We are still holding up fairly well, but we ask that all members of the Academy watch our finances to avoid straining the Academy any more in this time of great need." A fairly inoffensive statement, really, but it was carried by all the town criers for a few days afterward. There is no sign of layoffs - not yet, anyway. However, there are dark rumors as to the status of the Academy's grand endowment... In the meanwhile, the word came down to the Merchants' Guild that "all duplication of resources with the Academy should be reduced forthwith." Lest any of us forget, the entire Council of which I am a member could be considered a superfluous duplication of resources. And the Grand Security Spell itself was quite a duplicative extravagance, given the High Mages already have several of their own.

I'm still being blamed for holding up their "little" project 2 fortnights ago. They sent me to the local Ritual Lycaeum of the Mages' Guild to study the best methods of Grand Security Spells, and I returned with the understanding that, if anything, I had been lenient last month. Someone on the council who has no business questioning me about the incident was teasing me about the problem. It took a grand act of will not to explode in their face over it. I'm not in any mood to be generous if my work, however irregular, is going to result in only grief. In any other situation, I would seriously concern myself with taking my leave, but at this point I have nowhere to go. None of us do. At this point I have to bow my head down and try to put up with this. Tomorrow begins the initial discussions on what to do with the Grand Security Spell of Grief. And the preliminary discussions to the initial discussions suggest that everything I thought would happen is indeed happening. None can keep their hands out of the cookie jar for long.

I did see a few friends the other day. They're holding up as best as they can. I must admit I didn't take away a lot of hope from the meeting. "We're happy to see you, Iili," they say, but all I feel is a stone in my own heart.

Accounting of Magic, 3rd: Tuning and Archival.

2009-02-12T23:34:40Z

In order to try to explain the various spheres of magic with with mages work, one has to have a basic understanding of crystal tuning and archival magic, which are the basis of all other disciplines.

Generally a bunch of crystals are set together in a sort of framework, which is generally referred to as a lattice regardless of exactly what the shape or materials may contain. The term comes from the original setup of crystals in the original geodes of power that were discovered and exploited in the early days. Because of their proximity, they were able to amplify a decent bit of raw power, even untuned. These days, proximity matters less, but in general crystals tend to still be stacked and held together by some substrate (often rather fragile) that binds them together as a sort of artificial geode. The substrate used to be a sort of clay that could be shaped and melded as one saw fit, but for various reasons (the elements, for one) many lattices in general these days are iron, with many added attachments to adjust for varying sizes of crystal, and so forth. (Generally, but not always, a larger crystal has more power; economy suggests picking the size most appropriate to one's needs.)

Oh? And how do the crystals get tuned, you ask? Well, I for one sing to them. But methods vary.

Probably the root of all Modern magics is archival magic. Originally this sort of preservation magic (a subset of Old Life magic, itself a subset of Earth) was used to protect larders, foodstuffs, and the like. Several centuries ago this was used, to varying degrees of success, to the written word as well; such a discovery could be called the origin of Modern knowledge. Only perhaps in the last century or two was this process mastered, however.

What archival magic brings to Modern crystal-based magic is the ability to store spells inside crystal structures for a prolonged period of time. Without the proper application of archival magics, crystal spells will generally only last a few hours at most (until the crystal detunes). Application of such magics creates a stored matrix inside the crystal - faintly visible to the untrained eye, visible but often inscrutable to the trained one. But it's on this matrix (or matrices - that's the crux of Dimensional magic, see later) that spells are stored.

Advanced archival magics start getting quite taxing in terms of effort and resources - this namely comes from the fact that most archivals can be aggregated to greater or lesser extent - each additional spell providing a marginally better level of protection over a smaller possible amount of space - such that you could protect a single book, say, from 3 spell failures with the application on 12 increasingly-redundant-and-painful spells. But if you really want to protect the book, perhaps this is what you devote your local mages' time to doing. (Why 12 and not 4, you ask? You could do it in 4, I suppose, but something that strict would also prevent you from opening the book well if at all; and if you just want to make sure an object is preserved but never made available, there's actually a specialized single spell just for that purpose that is far simpler.)

Another advanced application of archival magics is the (limited) ability to give crystals a memory of what has been done to them - enough that some mistakes, at least, can be remediated after the fact. (However, my use of such magics has been quite limited in efficacy - I hear great tales of archival magics restoring crystals to what they were yesterday, or last year - but I have seen no evidence to date of such power.)

Suffice it to say, Modern civilization would not exist without the proper application of archival magics. And I can say that about few other spheres.

An Accounting of Magic, Part the Second.

2009-02-06T03:10:35Z

And so we get to discussing the two main methodologies of magic: Runic and Ritual, still known in some particular quarters as High and Low Magic, respectively. My knowledge of the exact evolution of Magic over time, I fear, is a bit sketchy, but I will try to explain this as best as I can for your edification.

We start with the discovery of crystal resonance. And this itself was rather an interesting thing - it was quite obvious that there was power there to be tapped, but it wasn't exactly obvious how. Originally, it was more the province of the Great Sage Mathematicians, who could use their abstract understanding to eke power out of geometrical placement and the like. Suffice it to say there was quite a lot of experimentation, and it did not happen without disaster - vast funnels of power without anywhere in particular to go, well... you get the picture.

Eventually, a sort of language evolved from those abstract representations, based in part off of much earlier casting techniques for the Old elements - this rune is a revelation rune, this rune is a destruction rune, so on and so forth. Eventually after a lot of trial and error, a standard methodology was agreed upon for defining and calling the aetheric structure inside of a crystal. (And, in the spirit of most High Magic, that agreement was quickly broken thereafter.) But in general, the ability to manipulate the aether became more and more refined over time, taking less and less effort to perform more and more interesting feats. Still, even today, casting runic magic is like speaking and writing, unstructured, in a foreign language, once whose dialects tend to change depending on who the original scripts were written by. Unless you can think and dream in runic (as some have claimed to my face), it really is quite incomprehensible to the untrained mind. And even to the trained mind. Yet who knows how many specialists there are out there in Runic, who live happy little lives casting away with little to no underlying structure at all, just manipulating raw verbs, as it were. It is, to my mind, a career for a very particular sort of fellow. The exact fellow, in fact, that I swore to myself that I would never become.

That, of course, isn't the end of the story. (Although there are some at the Academy for whom that is the end of the story - those that still call me a Low Mage in tones emphasizing its commonality with dung.) There was a discovery early one that certain placements of runes could, with the right sorts of incantations, be used to perform preplanned magics - simpler than manipulating raw Runic, but often significantly easier to understand. They were able to be prepackaged, written in scrolls, and generally able to be reproduced with relative ease by someone who could read instructions. (Much like this journal spell, actually.) Much like Runic, Ritual magics started out as incredibly crude, and far, far from the power of raw Runic. But with Ritual, it's quite a bit easier, even for the professional mage, to see what it is exactly that you are doing when you cast a spell - you expect a specific rune Ze to be placed in the Western Quadrant, and if you need to pick at it a little bit to make sure it's in the right place, you don't have to worry about your spell running off by itself while you go take care of it. (Or - worse - try to memorize what you're doing at the same time that you're trying to test it. That way lies madness.)

It was called Low Magic because, at its heart, it is reproducing magic without thought. It does not take a genius or a sage to deal with crystals through methods that others have created for you. There have been, and always will be, large arguments about how much freedom one gives up by using Ritual castings, versus the amount of time it takes to try to sort through and catalog others' previous Runic castings, and so on and so forth. Ritual Magic grew over time to become quite popular, and indeed, quite sophisticated in its own right - sophisticated enough to need experts of its own in order to handle advanced functions and make sure that everyone else are able to handle the smaller magics at their control with adequacy.

In fact, these days the spans between Runic and Ritual have actually grown rather thin - there are much more formalized structures for casting Runic than there used to be even two decades ago, and even in the past few years there has been significant effort to make the underlying structures of Ritual magic more directly accessible by the expert. The arguments do go ever on - I have to admit, part of my reluctance to return to the Academy concerned the fact that the place was once known as an incredible center for the advancement of Runic. There was a very strong prejudice against Ritual magics at all levels in my time as a student, something that greatly (and needlessly) frustrated my Natural studies at the time. I admit that I never considered they would have a need at all for Ritual magicians there - and the High Mages, by and large, do not have such a need. But the Merchants' Guild at the Academy, thankfully, does.

I should note, mostly for the uninitiated, that there are quite a few different dialects and styles of both Ritual and Runic magic. I tend to speak of them as monoloths because there is generally one preferred method for each - although we do hear of new dialects being developed on a monthly basis as the best way to approach one particular task or methodology. Some on the Council still insist that Lunar Runic is the best and only significant method to address Archival Magics; that particular concept tends to inspire headaches even on the best day, but I might address dialects in a more significant fashion later.

Hopefully this is enough to offer a taste of the magical environment here. As always, more correspondence is welcomed. I suspect my next endeavor will be to enumerate the several Spheres of Magic, Archival, Dimensional, and the like. I should note, before proceeding further, that in most cases each Sphere can be done in Ritual or Runic, or has particular addressable methodologies in each - although, like the example above, Runic is still, in the ideal, the more proper environment for raw manipulation. That doesn't make it the easier environment...

In other news today, the Council had a meeting about the exact future fate of our relations with the High Mages, given the troubles of the Dragon War. And we were told, simply, that we were going to work with the High Mages to ensure that we were all working efficiently together to benefit the Academy. "But what about our Grand Security Spell that we just spent a month arguing over?" I asked (since we had basically entirely turned our noses to the Highs in order to get said Spell done). The response I got was somewhere between utter surprise and a scowl at daring to be audacious.

I think I have a right to know exactly how much care is really being given to our work, to my work, in the Council. The response I got pleased me not at all. But nor was it surprising, since I seem to have become a running joke among certain members of the Council this past month.

An Accounting of Magic, Part the First.

2009-02-05T23:08:26Z

There was a request made my one of my correspondents for a primer in local magics for the uninitiated. I realize that this journal spell is multidimensional, and that it is quite possible that magic does not work in your realms quite the same way it does in mine. After a fashion, I suppose it's an honor to introduce my world in this fashion to others; presumably the Advanced Texts in Magic aren't nearly as portable as this spell. (I would, of course, assume that the increase in magical knowledge will eventually make descriptions like mine quite redundant.)

I shall probably write of this quite haphazardly, and I do not claim for a moment to be a master of the Magical Arts, modern or ancient; instead, I shall relate what I know for your edification.

Our practice in magics dates to ahistoric times - there has always been beliefs in gods and monsters, and it is still said in myth that the knowledge of controlling fire was the creation of our modern civilization. But there is a significant difference between the Old Gods and modern times, and the difference isn't particularly subtle. Much of early magical creation (or, for that matter, philosophy) was spent trying to describe and narrow the elements of our natural world to their core elements: air, fire, earth, water, and aether (which was once synonymous with "spirit" but has since diverged). There are several derivations from these elements: mountains, rivers, oceans, life magics, null magics, and so forth. I would not be so naïve as to say that everything can be broken down to any particular arrangement of elements, but this is a general outline of the thought here. And many of these derivations were associated (rightly or wrongly) with specific deities, which arose out of the nature of our kind to categorize and name and personalize.

Unfortunately, study of the Old Ones, for the most part, is considered a bit quaint at best in these times. I hesitate to say that we are less Holy than perhaps we used to be, but our concerns have turned elsewhere. The art of Modern Magic is perhaps two centuries old at best, and many of its origins lay in the same philosophies that once studied and admired the Old Ones. But the main difference between Old Magic and Modern Magic is this: comparatively, we are terrible at Old Magic. In my mind, the old ways carry from emotion and the heart, two things I find rather lacking in my day to day observations of the world. The new ways, in contrast, tend to be very meticulous and logical: if something doesn't make sense, it's not the fault of one's communion with the Gods; instead, it's just one's own fault and it is best that you go clean it up, thank you very much. The mystery has long past; now, life proceeds like the pace of a clock. We are the masters of many things but not of our past, and not of our hearts.

While there are many factors that influenced the development of Modern Magic, none was really quite so helpful as the discovery of the standard crystal. It had been known from ancient time that the purple (well, the most common are purple) crystals found in caves had some sort of power that was innate to them, but it took many many years for anyone to quite discover how to harness that power. They were considered mostly harmless, and generally used as trinkets, jewelry and the like. Until someone had the idea to put a few very large specimens together, and found that they had a sort of resonance that is just detectable to the standard senses, as a sort of vague shiver, perhaps. This is now called modern Aether, and it was soon found that once a connection was made between two crystals, they tended to keep that connection, regardless of distance. And eventually, over a period of time, connections were able to be made with more and more as well as smaller and smaller crystals, until we have even the paw-sized ones of today.

So, having created this resonance, efforts were made to figure out how exactly to control and shape it. And that, dear readers, is how the study of Modern Magic was created. The wonder of our times was born when that power was brought, eventually, to the masses.

iili @ 2009-01-22T17:25:00

2009-01-22T22:26:10Z

So now we're hearing stories about how Iili has managed to derail this very simple project through his complex, ridiculous, and overdone machinations.

And that's when I realize that, in this position, I'll never stand victorious.

iili @ 2009-01-16T18:42:00

2009-01-16T18:47:27Z

"Iili?"

Yes, what is it? You've already reduced my self-confidence to dust; do you want to step on it repeatedly now?

The crystals detune themselves naturally. They retune their resonance at dawn. No one bothered to tell us this.

Which means that the Grand Security Spell of My Everlasting Sorrow was done correctly.

On whole, yes.

The maniacal laughter could be heard quite clearly in the frigid air on the other side of the Academy.

And that's when I realized my test on "How to Properly Ground and Protect Your Spellcraft" wasn't a test of how, it was a test of how much endurance you could stand.

Now I believe ale is waiting for me.

iili @ 2009-01-15T17:57:00

2009-01-15T17:59:07Z

"Okay, I've broken about 2 or 3 dozen safeguards that I put in place. The Grand Security Spell is now effectively securing nothing."

But we're getting something working! Now, finally, we are free from all restrictions! We shall rule the world!

"And what about the old setup?"

That still doesn't work. But new ones - free! Free as a bird!

And that's when I realized macrame was too exciting for me.

iili @ 2009-01-14T23:28:00

2009-01-15T04:28:15Z

Iili, can you completely unweave the Grand Security Spell? All of our crystals are having problems receiving permissions.

And that's when I took up macrame as a career.

iili @ 2009-01-10T23:40:00

2009-01-11T04:40:47Z

...Oh, yes, and about the Dragon War:

I have heard tales of open revolt in the South, people rising up to fight for some great cause of freedom, overthrowing monarchs, upsetting the old order... I believe not a whit of it. I've heard of revolution before, and it has always come to nothing, at least in the few years I have lived upon the world. I will believe that things will be better when I see them, and no earlier.

Some assets of the Academy were destroyed recently. Nothing at the main Academy itself, but a few training grounds were destroyed. Everything I've seen suggests that the members of the Academy were rather shaken by this turn of events. The Merchants' Guild is going to be holding a special meeting next week to talk about defending oneself when out and about in Birya or abroad. The Headmasters of the Academy themselves have said that "For the good of the Academy, we expect we will have to learn to use our resources more effectively." Effectively immediately. There are wild rumors that the High Mages, who have never had much support from anyone at the Academy in many years (let's be honest), might be among the first to be made more effective - by the removal of bodies, of course.

My position is not threatened, of course - the Merchants' Guild is still the Merchants' Guild. Money doesn't change. And now that they've expressed a deep desire to put the ultimate control of all of their resources into my tiny paws... I would hope that would be job security. As long as I don't step on anyone's toes...

And in the middle of this, our part of the Council is trying to find more people to help us. One ritual mage, even, to help me and this damned Security Spell. If it amuses me, I may speak of the interview gantlet from the other side, this time. Oh, what the fools are getting themselves into...

Of storms, brewing and miraculously averted.

2009-01-10T22:41:44Z

The winter is not easing. Already it hasn't been gentle; the auguries, I'm told, are for bitter conditions that Birya hasn't seen for several years, starting tonight. I've mostly had little time to think about the environment around me. And when I did... when I did...

The Academy... I don't know what to think about that place at this point. The Council has been forcing me to do more and more complicated things, layers of forces I've never dealt with before. And I can't go into a technical discussion for fear of losing you, dear Reader, in the complexities of modern Magic. Perhaps instead, I should offer a few vignettes for your perusal.

"We need to reach out to the Merchants' Guild at large," the Council was told. "We need to open up our knowledge of trade to the wider world, in the hopes that our resources will help the Merchants survive this damned War," we were told. This of course is something that we've known about for a long time - we've been debating this question on and off for the entirety of my time at the Academy - whether we can trust the Academy's security spells, whether we should create our own. The Academy, much to its discredit, has a sense of inertia - things do not get done unless and until someone forces the issue. And the Academy's security spells? Let's just say that they proclaim openness while closing themselves off to the world. And they don't like outsiders telling them what they can and can't do. Outsiders like our Council. "Oh, yes, and we need this by Midwinter," the Head of the Guild tells us. At Samhain.

We beg, we plead with the High Mages of the Academy for a month - help us do this. Let us do this, for the greater good. For the good of the Council, too, so we do not tempt the wrath of the Head. The conclusion was one meeting - so difficult to forget it - where the High Mages made us an offer: "We might be willing to commit some of our resources for a short period of time to help you, but it will be at our convenience. And, you will promise us here and now that you will not betray us on this, and make our work for nought, no matter what." "But we have no idea of the quality of your work, nor of its timeframe, nor of whether you will help us look after it!" "Promise us, or there is no deal."

Obviously the Council is of no import to the High Mages or their resources. So we decided we would have to take it all upon ourselves. Which, in essence, feels like mostly myself.

A few weeks later, I'm sitting at our Crystal Lattice, desperately trying to add and tune Crystals to it at a furious rate - at one point it was 8 large crystals at the same time - with mostly only the help of myself and my fellow Ritual Mage. And, at the same time, I'm beginning the Master Security Spell - you may remember it from before, as the thing that took all my effort and concentration to enact the last time - but I don't have the luxury of time or concentration. And, in addition... well, generally such spells are location-bound, correct? Meant to protect a village. Not this one. This is a security spell with no bounds - its range is theoetically infinite. Its border is the world. At one point, I stood on a stepladder, one hand trying to tune a crystal while I desperately attempted to weave the Security Spell with another. I almost fell over and broke myself, the Lattice, and the Security Spell on multiple occasions.

You might ask, if the Security Spell has no physical boundaries, exactly what is it securing and how? That, of course, is an interesting question. The prototype, the function, was quite simple actually - a series of tuned crystals, carried by people of importance in the Merchants' Guild, that could be used to communicate back and forth with the Guild at the Academy. Such a communication would not have to be particularly privileged - of course there would be security, but I would not have to be too concerned if the Spell didn't always quite hold properly - or at least I would not have to be paranoid about a mistake in the casting. Except.

Except.

A certain faction of the Council quickly said, when this was approved, "Oh, wonderful! Now that we have our own security spell, we can free ourselves of the Academy's restrictions! We can bind all sorts of interesting things to this spell - it'll be wonderful! We can put all of our archives, all of our communications, all of our students, all of our vast resources of wealth and power - all under this one neatly tucked spell! This will get rid of all the troubles we've ever had!" This, of course, caused me to violently expel the entire contents of my innards.

This will just be a simple security spell, Iili, they tell me. We're only going to put the entire resources of the Merchant Guild in your hands and your hands alone. Nothing could go wrong with that. We trust you.

Suffice it to say, my work on the Grand Security Spell of Freeing Everyone In the Council From Pain quickly ground to a halt with my fear and paranoia. Where before I could loosely bind the spell to the crystals and expect no issue, instead I have had to trace every segment, every line of the spell around the entire Academy, and in the meanwhile delve through the Libraries I could find to attempt to make sure I knew the best way to secure it, place the anchors, make absolutely sure that if something did go wrong, that the damage would be contained. And this I did, while others in the Council built the small construction of the communication crystals that would be distributed as the (theoretical) only project that would use this Spell.

Which brings my tale to the just-averted catastrophe of yesterday. In which, it was entirely possible that I would be alone in a room with half of the Council yelling at me for delaying the necessary work on their little, tiny, small, easy project, required to be completed by this upcoming week (already delayed over a fortnight from Midwinter). They had already said they could have done their tasks in half the time if I had never been involved. If I had just let the Security Spell alone, not tinkered with it, not looked at it, not gone completely paranoid about every little segment and recognition of the entire fabric. There was every indication that they would curse me for my attention to detail and my paranoia about letting any of them have too much power inside the Spell itself - there was every indication that I would be told that my services were no longer needed, thank you very much, and that I should be on my merry way for preventing them from doing whatever they pleased.

For some reason, though, when the meeting occurred (and my supervisor rushed in from his vacation to try to defend me, which was extraordinary courage on his part), there was not a word of rancor at all. It was as if nothing had gone wrong, no complaint had been made, no problem suffered, no slights at all. It was almost as if they understood that they had dumped the security of the entire Merchants' Guild in my lap without bothering to think it through. Almost.

Yesterday was one afternoon of paradise. It shant last.

In the meanwhile, for Midwinter I had a few moments of solitude to think about my life up to this point. And I'm slowly realizing that I am far, far away from my true points of happiness, and that my stress and constant feeling of burden has slowly been wearing away what contacts I have with the outside world, much like a stone in water. For a few days I felt well and truly alone, with not a friend to be found anywhere. That moment has passed, for now, but it haunts me some in the back of my thoughts. If I do not think too much about the circumstances of my life, I can ignore the illusion of the bigger picture. But for a few days, when I had the time, I gazed upon a mouse I no longer knew anymore, and I could almost do nothing but cry. (The fact that such a point occurred not long after the Council had made known their greater plans for my Security Spell helped matters not at all.)

Another year of my life has passed. I know not what I'm going to do with the rest of my days, to be honest. I had a ceremony at Solstice that pointed one possible direction - reminded me that once, long before I was a failure and nothing but a failure in my own eyes, that I was a poet, if a depressing one. I know not whether I have the spirit to rekindle that flame, but I should make the attempt regardless.

Of preparations for the future.

2008-11-22T04:56:58Z

The cold has come to Birya early. And with it, a great chill among the populace of Birya - the cold in men's hearts...

The Dragon War has come. There are all sorts of fabulous tales - The Grove under constant siege, an entire kingdom across the sea ripped apart by dragons... but at least some of the tales are true. The merchants shake their heads around the Academy - there is still the camaraderie, there always is - but there's a sadness starting to show in their eyes. They are safe for now - we are all safe, for now. But for how long...?

How this war got started is still up for debate. But it is quite certain to many that it originated in The Grove, not so far to the south; it looks like wizards there decided to meddle in affairs that should never have been touched. Thankfully, the terrain of Birya is such that the dragons have better prey elsewhere, for the most part. There was one rumor of a dragon hiding in the heart of Birya, waiting, but that has, to date, not been proven. We might not know until far too late, though, if so...

The Academy is still well-defended; I fear the Summer Quarter much less so. I have not seen or heard of a dragon in this area, but a general pall of insanity has grown among the populace - the goods have dried up, the employment has dried up, the money has dried up, the food is... safe, for now, I believe. But there's a growing desperation, and the harder edges of men's souls laid bare where once they were ignored.

This is the first significant War I must admit I have seen with my own eyes. There have been a few skirmishes - and certainly the Great Betrayal of several years back in the Grove should have sparked a War, but instead started a Crusade across the oceans for sacred artifacts... I'm still uncertain what they were searching for. There are rumors of yet another Crusade stirring in the south, a reclamation of our own lands from the Dragons... but we have heard many rumors here. As much as my heart feels a touch of a wish to join those crusaders... my bones are growing old, and I'm not much of one for hope in this day and age.

I dislike the thought of hiding inside the Academy walls - too many memories, perhaps, of days ill-spent there - but it is far safer there for me than the Summer Quarter, or outside of Birya's walls. I have a home, for now, a burrow. I shall try to make of it what I can, but, like my friends the squirrels, it might be time to store some nuts away.

This winter looks like it might be quite long.

iili @ 2008-10-28T07:05:00

2008-10-28T11:13:00Z

...the problem is that I've faced so many tragedies, so many bad times, both in the west and here in Birya, so many problems - even now, my employment is to do nothing but fix problems for other people...

I've had no chance and no time to be positive about life or love. The insularity that I both regret and welcome is the result of giving in to all the tragedy and saying, struggle no more. The loneliness is a result of my own responses to actions...

...but yet there are some constants here, and one is a need for comfort, for something to hold onto in chaotic times. And there has rarely if ever been an anchor - those who I have turned to for comfort have themselves been far too chaotic and unreliable, for reasons of their own accord. Which is another tragedy, I suppose, but an excusable one, certainly.

But trying to find the light when all you see is unrelenting darkness - obviously I need to be looking somewhere else other than where I am. If only some of the time, enough to refresh the palate and gird myself for the fights ahead. That is what I have been missing and wishing for - some way to see a better day, some way to see that all of my travails have been worth it in some fashion. I'm not sure I can depend on other people for that, I fear, as I've tried in the past and failed.

Hope springs eternal, as they say - you just have to know where to find it.

Of false starts.

2008-10-28T00:58:09Z

...but perhaps I shall write here for now, in bits and pieces. To have a narrative! I'm trying to somehow work out the great turmoil that lies within, and has for many years, since even before I first fled the Academy... I've been slowly retracing my steps since I got back here, and perhaps I have some information now that once was lost. Dear reader, I must apologize is this seems scarce and inscrutable; I believe for a little while, I might use this journal for my own notes.

The Academy is growing even more treacherous... like all wild children, once one problem occurs, several more crop up in perfect harmony to ruin my day... including a recurrence of a great mystery: why is it that when an aligned dimensional crystal lattice cracks, the whole lattice rings disharmonious, yet the dimensional spell continues on its merry way with nothing to stop it? It seems quite odd to have a spell that continues even as its sustaining pieces break. Mysterious ways...

I need a focus, much like a lens needs a point on which to focus its vision... so I return to the Old Ones again; or more properly, the Old Ways, I suppose. The forces that shape existence, that few seem to question these days... it is a small solace to me, and perhaps it is time that I paid more attention to it, given I need shelter from my own chaos. So I shall see about studying the Old Ways again... It is quite hilarious that I cannot study texts about quintessence for more than about 15 pages before I must stop and write something down and scitter something else down that I forget about the next day - thus the reason I write this now, somewhere I can find it later! And thus the reason that perhaps this might become inscrutable - to write what I know, to write what I've seen, requires a certain understanding that even I strain to have about myself. So, once more, I apologize.

The great fact is, I have been constructing a small temple within my abode, as I have been for several fortnights now. The problem is, the temple is outlasting my patience in trying to put it together. Yet it did consecrate itself, almost, when I consulted it (difficult forces to explain, although Time is quite a prankster Mistress) - So I know the resonances are correct. But the problem is that to my magician's thoughts, the Old Ways are a stark contrast to the newer ones. Controlled and shaped in quite a different manner, although I suppose this makes sense when the ultimate artifice is Terra itself, rather than the structures of man and beast kept within.

Samhain is coming, at the end of the week. I'm quite uncertain what I shall do for it even now. Although it did point the way last year - I am building a religion, brick by brick, if I am only willing to see it through - I do not know my Question this year. And I shy from the thought, however possible, that I could share that moment of breakthrough with others... not yet, not now. The last thing I want is that one Samhain, many years back, when I felt true unity, only to feel it completely collapse the second I left its embrace... simpler for now to be quiet and alone. Perhaps I'll be willing to rejoin the betterment of the world later.

Of old habits and scattered recollections.

2008-10-22T01:15:26Z

Oh, I must stop my coughing from blowing the accumulated dust off of this journal. It has been some time, dear reader, and I have been loathe to open this journal again, as it seems to be more a chronicle of my frustrations rather than my success in life and love. Instead, it seems to be where to keep my thoughts of anguish. And that, of course, is why I am writing in it once more.

But I should attempt to fill in the details of the happenings since the previous entry, before I continue on with chronicling the insanity that seems to occur only within my own mind.

My employment at the Academy continues apace. If anything, I seem to have grown to be a valuable member of the Council, having been complimented several times over recently for my work done in furthering the Merchant Guild’s facilities. Unfortunately I can’t take much of these compliments to heart; honestly, it feels like I have done nothing extraordinary at all, just my usual functions and activities. But I already know I have difficulties with perceiving what is, so I just accept it and move on.

My training in magics continues apace. I traveled to yet another Convocation, this one for Dimensional Magic, in the vast desert of the West, at the Temple of Light. (These Convocations always seem to be in the most remote of locations – although I hear that this is not always the case, so far it feels like journeying into the wilds…) I must admit, the Temple of Light was rather… an eye opener. I thought that I had seen corruption and darkness and evil things in the Holy City, but obviously this held nothing on the Temple of Light, whose desolation seems to have driven many of its inhabitants to madness. I must admit the advances in Dimensional Magic over the past few years have proven quite incredible – now they speak of incorporating Aether into their practices, making even the physical crystals on which magic has been based completely unnecessary… and we should not speak too much of the Metamagics being studied as well – spells that encapsulate spells that spawn more or fewer spells as the energy is taken or used – such things are madness indeed to the uninitiated, and astounding to those that are. I'm rather uncertain that castings have been adapted to have them rewrite themselves as necessary... it sounds quite dangerous to me, actually.

I did learn some rudimentary Archival Magic, more useful than that used to store larders, that is quite certain. Regardless, though, the knowledge has been put more to use with Dimensional Magic, refining how crystals are used in a lattice to perform magics… it is not my specialty (and perhaps should be), but I have honestly been drawn recently into performing quite a bit of complicated Connection Magics (thankfully even a farming village had need of that!), and there is only so much time in a life. However, if you have Metamagic now creating other magics at its own will, it’s quite obvious I need to study Summoning, and soon – I will need spirits to help look over all of this, lest it get completely out of hand – and it already is threatening to, even now.

I moved into a residence in the Summer Quarter of Birya proper over, quite appropriately, midsummer. The new den is quite lavish compared to previous quarters, especially those in the West; although some of the neighbors are, shall we say, slightly on the seedy side, the area is well-maintained and feels like a true part of Birya. I have been wishing to write a Gazetteer of Birya for the uninitiated, but have not gotten around to it; suffice it to say, the Summer Quarter borders the Scholar’s Quarter where the Academy is located, such that a single viaduct leads me on my daily travel to and from the Academy. Although, of course, the Summer Quarter is much more of a working man’s quarter than the tall spires of the Scholar’s Quarter. But at least I now avoid navigating the labyrinthine paths of the Merchant’s Quarter on a daily basis, as was the case previously…

Another great Dragon War has broken out. Or at least, rumors of a great Dragon War have broken out. Tales of shipping lanes wrecked, large armies being prepared to fight the Dragons, (tales of corruption preventing those large armies from being used effectively…) – it is impossible to quite verify the tales, as it honestly seems at first glance that Birya hasn’t been affected at all. Many people worry, but everyday life has not been changed significantly, as far as one can tell. The Academy sent out a missive saying, roughly, “Please remember that if Dragons do attack, the Academy is well-defended, and is unlikely to have difficulties in these harsh times.” I must admit that such a message seems oddly out of place when nothing seems to be wrong at all. But I suppose that we shall see.

(Of course, the Merchant’s Guild has been up in arms about this War – or the rumors of this War – and I wonder at times whether they aren’t, perhaps, encouraging this War a bit too forcefully, if you catch my meaning. Although I must admit I revel a bit in their tales of incredible loss and destruction – I doubt that they know they have a traitor in their midst, and I intend to never let that be known…)

Fall has come, and with the change of seasons comes a returned sense that I am wasting my time away. Although I admit that what I sought first and foremost was safety and the ability to learn and help, and those have seemingly achieved at this point. But it is quite obvious that my heart still turns to love, as if being a cloistered monk performing his studies is not enough to give a mouse satisfaction (Gods forbid!). I need peace, but peace is loneliness, and loneliness is the last thing I want for myself. So I have, in fits, tried to seek out others... There were the embers of a relationship glowing at one point a little while back, which perhaps distracted me more from this journal than it should. But I have been reminded that love is fleeting at best and impossible at worst, and that someone of my stature and rank should not expect a miracle to occur. I’ve had to make do for so long that my mind sits agog at the thought that I could reach a point where I could do more than just make do. That, however, seems unlikely, and my feelings still are trapped in the past - deep, dark feelings that I can’t cajole or comfort or inspire to greater things. I am caught in the fact that somehow I no longer can shape the way I feel, only ignore all the streams of hate and disgust that filter through my thoughts on a regular basis. So for now, I shall bide my time, and remain cloistered. I don’t feel particularly motivated to do much else anymore – this is my life, and while it is unlikely to get worse anymore, I see few paths in which it could soon get better either. For now, this will have to be enough; study and reflection and a nice place to hang my cloak at the end of the windstrewn day.

iili @ 2008-06-11T20:59:00

2008-06-12T01:40:24Z

I am rather exhausted at the moment, after a rather lovely long and intrepid walk that I should not have made. I shall try endeavor to write nonetheless, although my legs feel like they are made of glass at the moment. Or possibly grass, given the amount I have seen.

Review the notes, review the notes... hm.

I think my status will require some disjointed reconstruction of my notes for your benefit and entertainment. Make of them what you will.

I still remain astounded at the sort of fatalistic humor of the best of the protection mages - they have tested so many spells, broken so many spells in order to figure out ways of protecting to the best of their abilities, that the harshest of attacks are treated with the least bit of seriousness, much like a court jester is the one best able to deliver the worst of news to the Lords and Kings of these lands. I have to admire them and their work: they have been among the warmest and most friendly people I have had the acquaintance of. Their work is stunning and eye-opening, and honestly, rather depressing for those of us trying to do their best under less than able conditions. But I laughed far, far more than I cried... Crying is for later, I suppose.

I have answers, now. I have several answers. The problem is that I cannot imagine for the life of me that I shall be able to implement any of them.

But today was the first day in which I started to ask questions - hard questions for me, but ones that need to be done. Every object under my control at the Academy needs to be cataloged and (at least cursorily) observed. That's not by choice, but by the need to make sure I am aware when situations change. Whatever I can keep track of, I should do so, or else any other measure will exist for naught.

Several other harder questions have come in the (nascent?) field of Extension Magic, which concerns the ability to weave both runic and ritual magics into one coherent spell or series of spells. There have been several questions in the Council about what to do concerning some of the Academy's initiatives in runic magics, which mostly have hit us as would a light breeze - slightly stirred, but not moved. (And mostly left wanting more.) Although there was some understanding I reached that places of learning were adopting larger, unified runic communication, there was little indication that ritual magics were willing to go along with such a construction. I have found that is wrong - it is more that ritual magics tend to focus on other issues than runic, as it has always been. So I have found correspondent specialists in ritual magic to help me with this, much to my relief.

There was supposed to be a grand feast for the academics tonight - unfortunately the directions I received were incorrect, and so I ended up walking what seemed like a league through what ended up being a temporary but rather strong thunderstorm. I am lightning, indeed.

But right now, my legs feel more like stone.

Of collapses, hopefully temporary.

2008-06-11T00:31:54Z

...some days I'm reminded that I've had far too many reasons to believe I should only trust myself...

I wish to endeavor to document this Convocation, for my own notes perhaps as much as for your edification. If this gets too esoteric, I ask for your indulgence. Today's notes, however, should not be as extensive - or as revelatory - as yesterday's.

The day started with the Grand Convocation, which strangely enough felt curiously banal for being the height of the festivities here - there were mentions of improvements in ritual-oriented archival magics, dimensional magics (still nowhere near runic capabilities), communication magics. There was great fanfare about the ritualists' investigations on how to better accomodate runic magic as part and parcel of one's spellbook. I had problems avoiding laughing through this; the rivalry of runic and ritual is the stuff of long, complicated legend, and while there is always the promise of peace between the two, I (and far from I) doubt it will ever truly occur.

The theme of the Convocation was presented over and over again: "We are all adventurers. We all have our demons to slay and our villages and demesnes to protect." Quite a unifying theme, but...

I don't know. It haunts me, you know, the whole adventurer bit. I so badly wanted to be the white knight, fighting the good fight, saving the world (and getting at least a little bit - okay, more than a little bit - of compensation for doing so) - being the one that others look up to. But now, here? Now? Hardly. I may be a mage, but I still am of no consequence.

("Special" they said? How did that come to be? I feel special not at all, unless it was meant to denigrate...)

I apologize; I digress. The rest of the the day was a series of meetings about several topics; one was a continuation of yesterday's discussion, involving an intricate series of interlinked protection spells, quite well-done actually, showing that it may be possible to secure even the Academy, although it involves doing several somewhat irregular procedures to line up the recognition features correctly on all levels... I find it a little more difficult to specify here without getting too far into shop talk. Suffice to say, auras were being labeled dynamically in and out of sequence, and I'll leave it at that.

I should take a moment to speak of the bazaar and carnival that seem to accompany the Convocation. What a sight of lines and colors and shapes and speech and ideas and... I wandered around the bazaar with a skeptical eye, but I have to admit, I wasn't quite sure what to think of the whole affair... and then I got nauseous.

Did I mention that I am currently in the middle of a fetid swamp?

Certainly the idea that I would be overcome by the vapors in the middle of the cathedral did not really occur to me, I fear - however I did not make a scene, and did manage to find such fluids and rest that I was able to continue after some rest. I had forgotten how tiring such productions can be for me, and should have been on watch for it earlier.

There was a meeting of representatives of the various centers of learning across the lands, but I must admit very little enlightenment, other than this: none of them were as hostile to rituals as mine; and all of us, together, are having serious problems managing to do anything in all in such open environments.

Of trust and loyalty unpaid.

2008-06-09T23:45:34Z

I have traveled several days south to the fetid swamps of the Southlands, to the heart of a giant cathedral in its center. It is a sort of holy place, a shrine for pilgrimages and the like, quite intricate in its architecture and seemingly dedicated to banishing the concept of the rectangle. I am here for the yearly Great Convocation of Ritual Magics, an invitation that I received after all this time for being a proper member in good standing of the Ritual Mages' Guild. Frankly I was surprised that I was allowed to make this pilgrimage; it is the sort of thing I could only dream about as a squalid hedgemage in the West. It is the center of all that is progress in ritual magics, and I myself was specifically sent here to attempt to solve several problems at the Academy that the Merchants' Guild in particular is concerned about.

The greatest problem, of course, is that the front door to the Academy is always open. In fact, most of the doors of the Academy are always open, as is the wont (I must presume) of many such places of open learning around the many Kingdoms. And of course, by open, I mean magically as well as physically. On its face, it is a perfectly laudable policy - the ideal of providing the greatest education to the greatest number of people is quite a wonderful one. (Particularly a wonderful one if you ignore the fact that the Merchants' Guild chooses the greatest number of people and leaves the rest of the people to fend for themselves. But that is another discussion, particularly since they paid my way down here in the first place.) I digress.

The problem is locking spells under such a condition. I presume, dear reader, that I have described this particular dilemna before, but please indulge me on this. The greatest problem, of course, is that the Academy cares nothing about ritual magics at all, having descended from the great Runic Magi of the past (and having sculpted many of them). So, when they look at a problem involving ritual magic, they start throwing runes at the problem until it goes away. This, quite understandably, is not particularly helpful, as runes, frankly, never settle the problem, at least in my state of affairs. And yes, they hired one fellow (who I've spoken of before, I'm certain) to basically incorporate their runes into rituals for use of the greater Academy. But the two types of magic, honestly, are not the same at all, and this has led to much dissatisfaction among certain members who would like to take advantage of things that ritual magic has brought into the world in, say, the last decade. Unfortunately, ritual magic, as could be presumed, prefers a certain level of... privacy, shall we say. And so it is difficult to tell whether a ritual has been disturbed if you cannot fully ascertain the traces of who possibly could have been by to muck with the spell, which has made my job over the past year one of setting up many walls and hoping that they don't fall down without me knowing about it.

This does not make me feel calm with respect to job safety. Thus, I am here to try to find a better solution.

Which brings me to the meeting I attended today, with a member of a troupe of magi that I have at least a passing familiarity with, having heard some of their tales from other ritual mages. And the subject, naturally, was how to cast fully-unbreakable ritual magic (well, at least insofar as that is possible at any given point in time). But first, he gave us a demonstration that probably would have been completely disheartening if I had not heard rumors of it before - a complete unraveling dispel, with nothing more than 3 properly enchanted masks. He showed us, the crowd, a grand protection spell in miniature - not unlike the spell I had cast in the West more than a year ago, except yet another step more intricate. And then, with a series of dances, a series of spells, and the masks - for impersonation of people and spells themselves - tore the entire thing apart, with little additional help other than taking one aura trace from a hapless bystander in the middle of the ring of protection. (Actually, from a coin the fellow - a short fellow, easily scared - had dropped completely by accident a few minutes before.)

By doing this (and it was no flimflam, I assure you), he managed to prove to all of us that no door can ever be truly safe, because even the slightest flaw in that protection spell - the smallest thing - will open that door. And so for all the struggles and all the frustrations I have been through in the last year (and they are manyfold), it is true that I have been blessed in one peculiar way: I have never been under any preconception that my doors could be properly locked. Most everyone else in the room, I'm certain, thought that at least something they have, something they control, could be protected from harm. That belief, at least, I never have had, not in my current employ.

But with that out of the way, the question became one of how something could be protected at all. The first answer: nothing static could stand. If a spell is static, it is visible; if it is visible, it is scryable; if it is scryable, it can be deconstructed, the question only becomes how long it would take to perform such a feat. How long? Not long enough, particularly if one gets lucky. So nothing can be built as permanent, because the test of time, if nothing else, will eventually tear it apart - and more likely, people will long before that. So how does one build a dynamic protection spell?

Aura bonding.

And with that, I almost leapt out of my seat. "Aura bonding? Have you taken leave of your senses? Do you expect me to stain the aura of every single object, nonliving or living, in the Academy order to make absolutely certain that I understand where their place in the Universe is? Do you seriously entertain that people will be willing to submit themselves to such a regime?" Yes, yes he did, and not just for me, but for every ritual mage in the room, in the cathedral, and truly, in the World. And, it is not difficult to gather, every runic mage as well, whether they liked it or not.

I realize I shall have to spend a moment's time to try to explain the reasoning of aura bonding, as it is not something that a layman would or should be particularly expected to know.

The concept of auras in particular should be familiar to the layman: the idea that each of us has our own auric signature, something that is unique about us that can distinguish us from any and all others. It's used in any manner of teleportation and, for that manner, protection spells. We are who we are, and that does not change unless some very serious conditions occur (which should be very obvious to see). And although many do not believe that such a state of affairs could exist, all objects have their own auras as well, although often not very complicated ones. But the problem is that auras in most cases, almost all cases, do not interact with each other, nor should they. I am myself, a rock is a rock, I would prefer not to be a rock, and, I presume, a rock would prefer not to be me. Such is Nature.

The crystals, however, can hold very complex auras with their power, which is why they are of such use to us Magi. And aura bonding, as one could probably guess, involves exchanging a (very small!) piece of one's aura in order to further gain resonance with an object, usually a crystal. The process is not painful, but certainly is not without its share of discomfort. Frankly it is not less uncomfortable than chirurgy, as far as I am concerned. But once the process has been completed, the crystal "knows" who you are, and your aura "knows" the crystal, and so from there it is easier to build up magical relationships and the like. Because if I carry a piece of the crystal myself inside of me, then the resonance between you, me, and the crystal will allow me to trust that you are who you are and you are saying what you say. (Now whether I like what you're saying is another matter.) It also, because of the actual exchange with the crystal, means that masks are not sufficient enough to disguise someone trying to look like you. So the idea is to build up a lattice of dynamic trust between people and objects, with the idea that this bonding can be broken at any time by either end. And as long as we build our protection spells on that lattice of trust, they will remain stable, as long as they are well-cared for.

This, of course, almost brought me to tears to see. It is an irony, perhaps the greatest irony, that all people at the Academy have to undergo such a bonding process already for a group of Rune Magi and their affairs. It's just that they refuse to reveal their results to anyone else, regardless of any potential use anywhere else. (I had already asked of this, many months ago, when I first began again here.) The rest of us have to know our proper place in things, I suppose, because of course there is some knowledge that is far too dangerous to learn. Even if it could help so much more than harm.

It seems that trust only goes one way at the Academy. And that, in the end, is no trust at all.

Of marriage and happiness.

2008-04-09T02:01:37Z

Alas, it has been far too long since I have written in this journal, dear reader. Suffice it to say, the seasons pass, as they always do, and time and tide follows the winter. The winter itself I believe has lingered a little too long for its own good; although it may be that my bones are not as friendly to the still-frigid conditions as they used to be. While there have been more than a couple of blizzards to pass this way, the people of Birya handle them with a stiff confidence, as they always have, as they always will.

I have decided to leave this village by the sea, however, in midsummer. The voles and fishers here lead very ordinary and dull lives; and while this does provide me with a sort of stable comfort, it's not what I've been seeking after all this time. Not that I'm at all certain anymore what it truly is that I'm seeking.

I've honestly been quite afraid to post my thoughts - nothing much has changed. (My last post probably sounds much identical to this one.) I wrote last year about a wedding, and the sense that I've wedded myself to the Void; I spoke in haste then, but perhaps I lay not too far afield. I have spent time with acquaintances here, and now I hear tales about relationships falling into the almost-predetermined normalcy of marriage, and I see the effect it has on people... a sort of dedication, but also a sort of isolation, as if the truth were only available to those who have lived through it all... or perhaps I'm deceiving myself again.

The funny thing about my friends, you know, is that very few of them have simply one relationship. Many of them have two, which I will admit I don't find offensive in the slightest - others would call it barbarism, of course - but I do find it rather frustrating watching these multitudes of relationships ebb and flow and not having anything at all to call my own anymore.

When I left Birya, I had these wild dreams of what I would do with myself, what I would do with my life. And above all, I did want to be an adventurer, you know. I wanted to be exploring those dungeons, fighting those mystical creatures, hoarding treasure that could be my own with a little danger and a little drama - because that's what I grew up with, tales of glories sung. And I wanted my life to be glorious - at least part of me did. The other part just wanted to be happy, and thought that glory was the exact opposite direction from happiness. Now... now I have neither, dear reader. I at least have enough competence in my field that I do not reflexively call myself a hedgemage any more. And my services are quite needed at the Academy (and they are quite willing there to train me to better help them). But I don't know what any of that really brings me except financial stability. (Although there's something to be said for that, compared with about this time last year.)

I suppose I should note here my growing ability in Dimensional Magics these days. (Even passed the Ordeal of Dimensional Magic - similar to the Ritual Magic excursions of years past - without breaking a sweat. Which is why I haven't mentioned it. It didn't require the mass planning of magical armies this time, thankfully...) I've even picked up a little bit of Runic and Archival, and probably I'm going to be trained more thoroughly in Archival Magics sooner over later - particularly given our Dimensional Construct has been having problems figuring out where exactly to put itself. (Yes, you can compact many layers of crystals on top of each other in a fascinating intertwining resonance - but the laws of matter have to resolve themselves in some fashion. Lately they've been resolving themselves in quite a broken fashion.)

I still have wild romantic carnal dreams, you know, thoughts that somehow someone will come along and understand me, sweep me off my feet, be curious and exploratory and wild and loving and caring. I've been crying a lot recently because of those dreams, because they were what I left Birya with - and now they come upon me again and remind me of just how inadequate all my excuses become. And I wonder if it wasn't much easier to leave them buried then to watch them wither again and again in this new sunlight. If my friends can't keep me happy, and my dreams can't keep me happy, I start to wonder just what could. Even love starts to not seem to be enough anymore.

Of trackless paths.

2008-02-19T03:05:41Z

I write this words in the last dregs of candlelight for the day. I am not certain what I should share with you, dear reader, other than that life goes on, and seemingly nothing changes. It becomes clear to me that I need to change large portions of who I am, that still after all these years I'm not comfortable in these increasingly aging bones, and I don't know where to go or who to turn to for help or hope.

In many ways, I have been blessed with my current position at the Academy; it is highly unlikely that I shall see trouble on the Council other than the usual issues with being a ritual mage in a location with a large history of runic development. That is really not my concern though; my attention turns to where my dreams lead me.

I'm quite uncertain what I need now, except to find some way to clean up my own life. I don't feel like this small house by the shore is truly mine, that is for certain; and above all, I must find a way to make myself more comfortable about all of this, try to make my life, well, my own.

The old impulses to dream, to write, to create, are slowly starting to stir once more, but there's an everpresent feeling that I've been here before; that I've done this before; that I'm playing a fool's errand by trying to imagine these visions or play with the old magics, which most these days consider to be erratic or, much worse, insane. There's an increasing concern that I may not really wish contact anymore; that dealing with people is just too stressful and too difficult to gauge; I only have so much time left to live, you know, and it's best that I find some way to satisfy myself in all of this. Not much time to take up other concerns when my own seem more pressing and certainly more immediate.

And I'm worried more and more about making the wrong decision, about choosing a path that condemns me for another 7 years, or the rest of my life. I'm running out of time to devote effort to larks.

Yet where and how will I ever be satisfied? I wonder. Not, certainly, in the pleasure of a hard day's work, or another problem solved. Not in the pleasure of others; at least, not that much so. So what is left?

An answer filters back to me in my thoughts, from time to time, that I would be happy if I could only find a place and a way to truly be myself. But I'm uncertain I know what that means anymore either.

I've tried to be a healer; I've tried to be a helper; I've tried to be a friend. I've tried to be a good spirit, not one of evil. I've seen the warnings of the Ocean and the Sky and turned away from them, helpless to the grand scheme of the world. I've watched as monarchs increasingly turn despotic, and turned a blind eye, trying only to take care of myself and the few small things I consider my own. I gave up many, so very many, of my dreams when I ran away from here before. But if I wish to dream again, I want those dreams to be good ones, worthy ones. And right now I have no one to show me the way.

Perhaps I should start looking for a guide.

The candle flickers, fades. It has done its job for tonight.

Of the long wound.

2008-01-12T00:39:58Z

There is a scribbled note above this: I wrote this a few days ago. I know not whether it was the best of thoughts to do so, but I do not wish to leave it undone.

~~I believe I have made my peace with death, such as it is~~; my concern is trying to not live the rest of my life in misery. This today seems an impossible task.

I have had three loves in my life; I almost write the word "great" but i'm uncertain I truly understand what that means. The first demanded absolute devotion when I knew not the meaning of the word. The second... I was not her only relationship, or her first, and I have always felt guilty in delving, interfering, into the matters of other people's relationships. And the last proclaimed her deep need for me - does to this very day - and yet gives next to nothing in return. (And seems the least curious feline I've ever heard of...) And so I feel rather adrift and so alone on many days, like today. I've had the occasional dalliance; conducted long amorous correspondences about topics probably not best spoken of; but all of it seems a game, not out of genuine affection. (Not that I am certain of what affection means either.)

I do not feel loved; I feel used, a pawn in other people's machinations, and about as unwilling a sacrificial lamb. Whether for money or for lust or for some other reason I'm quite unsure. But love? Hardly.

I should not have wondered in my younger days about such sad lost souls suckling as much affection as they could from brief dalliances and affairs; I am now one of them. And on this (perhaps this alone) I cannot resign myself to being someone else's doorstop, as much as reason says I should at this point in my existence. Others' long relationships began a decade behind me now, and here I am still having trouble with introductions.

Seek love? From whom? Who is left to attempt to nurture and sustain me? (What is there left to sustain?) I care not what species or sex they are; all I care is that I can hold onto them and learn from them and depend upon them. I desperately need someone or something to believe in. But -

I find it impossible to trust anymore. I suppose I should ultimately blame myself for this sad state of affairs as is my life. I don't believe I can blame much else at this intersection.

Perhaps nothing has changed after all, save the location.