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My advisor, of course, lied. I will give her the benefit of the doubt…

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My advisor, of course, lied. I will give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that it wasn't an intentional lie. We had best hope not, as I dislike being played the fool.

Anger, fear, sadness, joy, disgust, surprise. And the last two are by far the most important in the tale. If anything, they shine a light as to where I keep trying to go and why. And perhaps this is the most important part of the tale (which was left the other day completely in the cold).

I am continually disgusted by so many things in the world and in my life. And this is nothing new or novel; this traces all the way back to near the beginning of things, when I became disgusted some 25 years ago at the cruelty of the World and the Furre, and denied any interest of being in either. I'm disgusted at my weight. I'm disgusted that my employment is solely based on a magical skill that I have aptitude in but receive relatively little satisfaction for. I'm disgusted that the ignorance of the Old Ones still continues and will continue, because that's who we are as a people, regardless of what danger that may bring. I'm disgusted that I live here in the Bight because I was forced to choose between somewhere I love and the people I loved. I'm disgusted that I was forced to choose at all. I'm angry as well, but that's a secondary concern.

I don't want to rip the world apart (most days), but I do feel ill looking at it. And that explains why I have to keep fighting. If one lives in a plague-ridden city, isn't there something in the spirit that provokes one to try to help, in whatever little way possible?

I feel most at home in the realms of disgusting sexual interests and continual pain because I instinctively seek to make my outer self mirror my inner self. And that's why the path has unfolded as it has. It explains why the problem has only gotten worse over time; it explains that one moment of freedom a year ago when everything broke down and I was beaten within an inch of my life - and enjoyed it. It explains quite a lot.

It's my attempt to match what I see outside with what I feel inside about it all.
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