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I dreamed of them again, of the family that I thought I finally had,…

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I dreamed of them again, of the family that I thought I finally had, in the idealized way that I thought I would have them, where I felt comfortable and part of a community.

I made her smile with a terrible joke as she was rushing to go somewhere else. Something about remembering that smile made it all worthwhile.

Every day I do what I need to do. I live the way I want to live. But I've always wanted things I can never truly have. Perhaps that's because I live for the dreams, rather than the reality. I've always been chasing the impossible and settling for what I can eke out instead in the paths of my life. I was puttering around as a journeyman in the earlier pages of the journal. In my heart I can never be a true master, titles be damned.

They say that the journey is what matters. I shall not say what I think of that.

I just hope that my heart moves on someday and stops trying to remind me of something that didn't exist.

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